heartbreak in the time of covid

devastation in a time of disaster. 
oh, the timing was ever so wrong. 
but honestly,
truly,
there was never a right time
to hear you died. 

county road 951, collier boulevard, 
just past the lowe’s on the corner
where the swamp seeps into suburbia.
i don’t remember what song was on. 
jenna called to tell me, katie couldn’t do it. 

i silently wept then, 
a blacked-out drive home.
i wracked my body with tears that night.
better than wrecking in my car.

mum said i fell asleep at four next to aldo.
a canine in weak form,
himself healing,
with a gentle, hesitant presence,
but a quiet care
laying there for me,
to comfort,
to be comforted.

he reminded me of you
when i saw you in dallas. 
the body of a man who once
tackled, and
danced, and
swam, and
walked, and
lounged
was no longer.
your body was there, but you weren’t.

your mom came back with panda express.
i had no words to express.

the only thing worse than covid
is heartbreak in the time of covid.
my body fought for health
while my heart -
oh, my heart -
it fought to heal. 

now i have long covid,
longing covid.

it’s symptoms include:
a pain that has never gone away,
even after five years.
a regret that i didn’t listen to you,
when she did what she did,
but i - i - i
needed to stop, and breathe.
and listen. 
but i didn’t. 
a memory,
when i hear the revivalists,
when i eat spumone, 
when i wear that t-shirt
from the texas state fair
when the beach boys played
and i thought your sister might like me.
a nostalgia for foolish youth,
one more kiss in the alley behind pat’s,
one more ten hour drive to anywhere,
one more planned-but-never-executed trip
to ireland, 
one more thanksgiving with my family,
one more wedding with your family -
they dance better than mine. 

connor brought you there, you know, 
to ireland,
but it’s not the same
when the jersey is unworn
and the barstool is vacant
and the pint goes untouched.

i wonder if i longed for covid now
if the pain would be the same.

it’s not hypothetical.
i’ve had covid, like, five times.
you’d be appalled... and traumatized.
remember when i gave you scabies
after croatia
and we had to coat ourselves in that cream?

covid got easier each time, though.
your birthday never gets easier,
nor does this heartbreak.